Funny of the Month

Health Tips and News

The Straight Dope On Food, Health, & Exercise:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;  that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to
live longer? Take a nap.
 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
 

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your
liquid vegetables.
 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
 

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press.  What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
 

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
 

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.
 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
 
 

   WHY OWN A SHOW DOG ?

   Why own a show dog ? 
There's a danger you know.
  You can't own just one,
   For the craving will grow.

   There's no doubt they're addictive
   Wherein lies the danger
   While living with lots
   You'll grow poorer and stranger.

   One dog is no trouble,
   And two are so funny,
   The third one is easy,
   The fourth one's a honey.

   The fifth is delightful,
   The sixth one's a breeze.
   You find you can live
   With a house full, with ease.

   So how 'bout another ?
   Would you really dare ?
   They're really quite easy
   But, Oh lord, the Hair !

   With dogs on the sofa,
   And dogs on the bed,
   And crates in the kitchen,
   It's no bother, you said.

   They're really no trouble,
   Their manners are great.
   What's just one more dog.
   And one more little crate ?

   The sofa is hairy,
   The windows are crusty.
   The floor is all footprints,
   The furniture's dusty.
   The housekeeping suffers,
   But what do you care ?
   Who minds a few nose prints
   And a little more hair ?

   There's hardly a limit
   To the dogs you can add
   The thought of a cutback
   Sure makes you feel bad.

   Each one is so special,
   So useful, so funny,
   The food bill grows larger,
   You owe the vet money.

   Your folks never visit,
   Few friends come to stay.
   Except other dog folks
   Who live the same way.

   Your lawn has now died,
   And your shrubs are dead, too
   But your weekends are busy,
   You're off with your crew.

   There's dog food and vitamins
   Training and shots.
   And entries and travel and
   Motels which costs lots.

   Is it worth it, you wonder ?
   Are you caught in a trap ?
   Then that favorite comes up
   And climbs in your lap.

   His look says you're special
   And you know that you will
   Keep all the critters
   In spite of the bill.

   Some just for showing,
   And some just to breed
   And some just for loving
   They all fill a need.

   But winters are hassle,
   The dogs hate it, too,
   But they must have their walks
   Tho' they're numb & you're blue.

   Late evening is awful,
   You scream and you shout
   At the dogs on the sofa,
   Who refuse to go out.

   The dogs and the dog shows
   The travel, the thrills
   The work and the worry
   The pressure, the bills.

   The whole thing seems worth it
   The dogs are your life.
   They're charming and funny
   And offset the strife.

   Your lifestyle has changed.
   Things just won't be the same.
   Yes those dogs are addictive
   And so is the dog game !

 

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Last modified: March 12, 2007